Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
WOULD YOU GUYS STOP ARGUING ABOUT POLITICS AND FEED US! OR AT LEAST OPEN THE BACK DOOR! WE HAVEN’T BEEN OUTSIDE ALL DAY! REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS THE ELECTION WE’RE STILL GOING TO BE STARVING AND MISERABLE BECAUSE OUR OWNERS CARE MORE ABOUT BICKERING WITH EACH OTHER THAN THEY DO ABOUT TAKING ACTION TO ENSURE THE SURVIVAL OF THOSE WHO DEPEND ON THEM!
IN THAT WAY, WE CLOSELY RESEMBLE THE WORKING CLASS.
IT WAS REALLY WEIRD. ONE DAY I WENT TO THE PIZZA PLACE NEXT TO THE BAR DURING THE DAY, SOBER, AND I REALIZED THAT IT’S ACTUALLY SOME OF THE WORST PIZZA ON EARTH. THEN I WATCHED MY FAVORITE TV SHOW WHEN I WASN’T HIGH AND IT WASN’T FUNNY AT ALL. AFTER THAT I TOOK TWO WEEKS OFF ALL SUBSTANCES AND REALIZED I DIDN’T ACTUALLY LIKE ANY OF MY FRIENDS, MY MUSIC, OR MY HOBBIES.
TURNS OUT I’M NOT BISEXUAL, I REALLY LIKE COOKING, AND BOOKS ARE KIND OF AWESOME.
I HAD NO IDEA.
GOOD AFTERNOON, BETH. I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE MY DATE FOR-
NO. WAY TOO STIFF.
HEY BETH! HOW ARE YOU TODAY? YOU WANT TO GO TO-
EHHHHHH, TOO JOLLY.
SO … BETH … DOING ANYTHING ON THE 15TH?
JESUS, WHAT ARE YOU, THE FONZ? COME ON. PULL IT TOGETHER.
YO, BETH! GIRL, LET ME HOLLA AT CHU!
THAT WAS KIND OF COOL, ACTUALLY, BUT STILL NO.
… AT THIS RATE I’LL BE ASKING HER TO NEXT YEAR’S PROM.
FUCKING MONDAYS, AM I RIGHT?
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH COFFEE IN THE WORLD TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW. I WAS UP UNTIL 4AM LOOKING AT INTERIOR DESIGN BLOGS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO PAINT MY APARTMENT.
THE INTERNET IS THE WORST FOR THAT KIND OF THING. ONE TIME I WENT ON WIKIPEDIA TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE DRUMMER FROM DEF LEPPARD’S NAME AND I ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DEGREE IN NEUROBIOLOGY.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. I WAS TRYING TO DOWNLOAD SEABISCUIT AND NOW I’M AN ORDAINED MINISTER.
Post Office Scene
Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”
Me: “What denomination?”
Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”
There’s a class next semester that’s called Art in Nature: Listen to the Wind.
I think if I took that class I would only ever refer to it by its full name.
“Oh well I had better go, I will be late to my class, Art in Nature: LISTEN to the WIND.”
(I answer calls for technical support within the company.)
Caller: “My computer is a fire risk.”
Me: “What makes you say that?”
Caller: “It gets hot. There are papers near it.”
Me: “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.” Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.”
Me: “Computers usually get warm–”
Caller: “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.”
Caller: “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.”
(I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.) Technician: “You know that computer that was a fire risk?”
Me: “Yes?”
Technician: “She meant it was on fire.”
