Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
This morning when I woke up, there was a post-it note by my bed which read, in my handwriting
“There’s no I in ‘nachos.’”
And I can’t for the life of me think of why I wrote that.
Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”
Me: “What denomination?”
Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”
(I answer calls for technical support within the company.)
Caller: “My computer is a fire risk.”
Me: “What makes you say that?”
Caller: “It gets hot. There are papers near it.”
Me: “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.” Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.”
Me: “Computers usually get warm–”
Caller: “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.”
Caller: “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.”
(I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.) Technician: “You know that computer that was a fire risk?”
Me: “Yes?”
Technician: “She meant it was on fire.”
oh wow so brotr is like, full throttle meets stoner road movie or something! i dig it. question, though: what exactly is the equivalent of elves. rich kids? are high elves hippies? because gandalf is a hippie also so i’m confused. THERE MUST BE COMPLETE COHERENCE IN THE CONCEPTION OF THIS BRO-THEMED SPOOF OF A WORK OF FANTASY LITERATURE
Well I think the Mirkwood elves are suburban gated community types - not sure what the logic is there, but just go with it. Maybe the gated communities are in the forest. And the Lothlorien elves are hippies, but they’re mystic new age type hippies who probably are still pretty wealthy and live in fancy gypsy caravans and treehouses. And the Rivendell elves are yuppies in a small, hip town. Gandalf is a different kind of hippie - he’s probably that professor who has a lot of conspiracy theories and is constantly stoned.
Do you have any regular plot details for the broship? In my mind I keep envisioning them all meeting through a Craigslist rideshare ad.
Well, Sauron’s this EVIL business tycoon who nobody has seen for years, and lives in a skyscraper with a big neon eye logo at the top. He designed a super high-tech ring, the OneRing, which will let him access and control any technological device that he wishes. However, he loses track of the prototype and it ends up in the hands of some stoner college kids (the Hobbits). They decide to travel cross-country to the Mordor Tech Conference where they will expose Sauron’s evil plan. They enlist the help of Aragorn, a park ranger who’s secretly the heir to Gondor Enterprises; Gandalf, an old hippie who likes to hang out at college parties; Boromir, a frat boy who wants to jack the OneRing’s technology and use it to further Gondor Enterprises and make his dad proud; Legolas, a rich kid who’s had enough of his overprotective dad and his uptight country club neighbors; and Gimli, a trucker who has nothing better to do. They are set upon by Sauron’s agents at every turn as he pays off street gangs, bouncers, and thugs to pursue them and retrieve the OneRing. If he gets it back, Sauron will be unstoppable! Now the fate of the free world lies in the hands of one slacker college student!
Customer in an ice cream shop: “What’s in the Chocolate Caramel Cashew?”
Me: “There’s really no way for me to answer that without sounding like a smarta**.”
Customer: “Why? What’s in it?”
Me: “It’s chocolate ice cream … with caramel … and cashews.”
(I honestly can't say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)
Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”
Patient: “No?”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you sexually active?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Do you still have periods?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you on birth control?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Do you use condoms?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
