This morning when I woke up, there was a post-it note by my bed which read, in my handwriting
“There’s no I in ‘nachos.’”
And I can’t for the life of me think of why I wrote that.
not a blog - collection of things that make me happy & help me cope
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January 17, 2012
January 3, 2012
"In 1944 a children’s book club sent a volume about penguins to a 10-year-old girl, enclosing a card seeking her opinion.
She wrote, “This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.”
American diplomat Hugh Gibson called it the finest piece of literary criticism he had ever read."
She wrote, “This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.”
American diplomat Hugh Gibson called it the finest piece of literary criticism he had ever read."
December 7, 2011
Post Office Scene
| Customer: | “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.” |
| Me: | “What denomination?” |
| Customer: | *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.” |
October 23, 2011
| (I answer calls for technical support within the company.) | |
| Caller: | “My computer is a fire risk.” |
| Me: | “What makes you say that?” |
| Caller: | “It gets hot. There are papers near it.” |
| Me: | “If you’re worried about it, you can move the papers away.” Caller: “I am moving the papers, but you must send someone to look at it.” |
| Me: | “Computers usually get warm–” |
| Caller: | “You don’t understand. My computer is a fire risk!” |
| Me: | “Okay, I’ll log a job and get someone to look at it.” |
| Caller: | “When? It is very urgent. I need someone to come now.” |
| (I log the job and ring the technician to explain that the customer is very keen to have someone come as soon as possible. The next day, he rings me back to tell me what happened.) Technician: | “You know that computer that was a fire risk?” |
| Me: | “Yes?” |
| Technician: | “She meant it was on fire.” |
October 18, 2011
"
oh wow so brotr is like, full throttle meets stoner road movie or something! i dig it. question, though: what exactly is the equivalent of elves. rich kids? are high elves hippies? because gandalf is a hippie also so i’m confused. THERE MUST BE COMPLETE COHERENCE IN THE CONCEPTION OF THIS BRO-THEMED SPOOF OF A WORK OF FANTASY LITERATURE
Well I think the Mirkwood elves are suburban gated community types - not sure what the logic is there, but just go with it. Maybe the gated communities are in the forest. And the Lothlorien elves are hippies, but they’re mystic new age type hippies who probably are still pretty wealthy and live in fancy gypsy caravans and treehouses. And the Rivendell elves are yuppies in a small, hip town. Gandalf is a different kind of hippie - he’s probably that professor who has a lot of conspiracy theories and is constantly stoned.
"
October 18, 2011
"
Do you have any regular plot details for the broship? In my mind I keep envisioning them all meeting through a Craigslist rideshare ad.
Well, Sauron’s this EVIL business tycoon who nobody has seen for years, and lives in a skyscraper with a big neon eye logo at the top. He designed a super high-tech ring, the OneRing, which will let him access and control any technological device that he wishes. However, he loses track of the prototype and it ends up in the hands of some stoner college kids (the Hobbits). They decide to travel cross-country to the Mordor Tech Conference where they will expose Sauron’s evil plan. They enlist the help of Aragorn, a park ranger who’s secretly the heir to Gondor Enterprises; Gandalf, an old hippie who likes to hang out at college parties; Boromir, a frat boy who wants to jack the OneRing’s technology and use it to further Gondor Enterprises and make his dad proud; Legolas, a rich kid who’s had enough of his overprotective dad and his uptight country club neighbors; and Gimli, a trucker who has nothing better to do. They are set upon by Sauron’s agents at every turn as he pays off street gangs, bouncers, and thugs to pursue them and retrieve the OneRing. If he gets it back, Sauron will be unstoppable! Now the fate of the free world lies in the hands of one slacker college student!
"
October 9, 2011
"Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. They are even entitled to their opinion about progress. But you know what you are not entitled to? You are not entitled to your own facts."
August 25, 2011
| Customer in an ice cream shop: | “What’s in the Chocolate Caramel Cashew?” |
| Me: | “There’s really no way for me to answer that without sounding like a smarta**.” |
| Customer: | “Why? What’s in it?” |
| Me: | “It’s chocolate ice cream … with caramel … and cashews.” |
August 25, 2011
| (I honestly can't say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER) | |
| Me: | “Is there any chance you are pregnant?” |
| Patient: | “No?” |
| Me: | “Are you sure?” |
| Patient: | “Yes!” |
| Me: | “Are you sexually active?” |
| Patient: | “Yes!” |
| Me: | “Do you still have periods?” |
| Patient: | “Yes!” |
| Me: | “Are you on birth control?” |
| Patient: | “No.” |
| Me: | “Do you use condoms?” |
| Patient: | “No.” |
| Me: | “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?” |
| Patient: | “No.” |
| Me: | “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.” |
| Patient: | “No.” |
| Me: | “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.” |
| Patient: | “No.” |
August 6, 2011
"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don’t just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
August 6, 2011
"A lot of the people who read a bestselling novel, for example, do not read much other fiction. By contrast, the audience for an obscure novel is largely composed of people who read a lot. That means the least popular books are judged by people who have the highest standards, while the most popular are judged by people who literally do not know any better. An American who read just one book this year was disproportionately likely to have read ‘The Lost Symbol’, by Dan Brown. He almost certainly liked it."
August 6, 2011
Physics
| <Roderick> | the book I am reading, You Shall Know Our Velocity!, is one of those books you can't rush |
| <ninda42> | is the subtitle for that book But you Shall never know our Position! ? |
August 4, 2011
With Great Encyclopedic Knowledge, Comes Great Encyclopedic Power (tech support)
| (Back when they were common technology, we sent out a software update on four floppy disks.) | |
| Customer: | “The computer says it’s unable to read disk two.” |
| Me: | “Can we start the installation again just to check it is the disk that is the problem, please? Put the disk in the drive and type ‘a:update’. Then, press enter. |
| Customer: | “Okay. It says it’s unable to read disk one now.” |
| Me: | “I’m sorry. Did you try that with disk one or two?” |
| Customer: | “Both.” |
| Me: | “No, sorry. Just then, not earlier. Was the disk in the drive disk one, or two?” |
| Customer: | “Both. Both disks are in the drive. Why? Was I supposed to take the first one out before putting the second one in? It didn’t say to do so, just to insert disk 2.” |
| Me: | “You’ve got two disks in the drive at the same time? That must’ve been difficult to manage.” |
| Customer: | “Not when you hit the second one with an encyclopedia.” |
August 4, 2011
Weeding Out The Good Customers, Part 2 (gas station)
| (We have two branches of my store in our town of about 3,500. Ours is referred to as the ‘ghetto’ store.) | |
| Me: | “How’s it going?” |
| Customer: | “Pretty good.” |
| Me: | “Will that be all?” |
| Customer: | “Yes.” |
| Me: | “Total is $2.98.” |
| Customer: | “Here’s $3. Plus, a little something extra.” |
| (He hands me a bud of weed.) | |
| Me: | “What’s this for?” |
| Customer: | “It’s a Friday night, and you are trapped in hell. Now you tell me what it’s for.” |
August 4, 2011
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3 (Bookstore)
| Customer: | “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?” |
| Me: | “Yes, they’re over here.” |
| (I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.) | |
| Me: | “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?” |
| Customer: | “Ugh, fine. What about this one?” |
| (They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.) | |
| Me: | “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-” |
| Customer: | “Are there any werewolves?” |
| Me: | “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.” |
| (The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all 70 copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.) |
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